I think that it's funny how we all anticipate other peoples reaction to our actions. Kind of like a chain reaction thing. You think "well, I'll do this, then they'll do that, then I will do this which will make them do that". However, in all actually, none of that really happens. I really think that it is funny that I'm thinking this around Christmas time. When everyone is giving presents, not expecting anything in return. . . .or are they? Hmmmm? Yeah, you know that you would LOVE to get something back. Everyone does. If we didn't, then we wouldn't be human, seriously.
It's funny how easily we are emotionally hurt. And most of the time we don't know that we're hurting someone. Sure, some people put up a wall, but all the wall is hiding is someone hurting on the other side. It's not a sign of being strong. . . it just means that you're a good actor. Or that you're able to put your feeling off for the time being, but believe you me, they will show up eventually. And usually in the wrong place at the wrong time.
I've hurt people in the past, and I didn't mean to do it. Sure, I look back now and think "oh my god, what was I thinking? Of course I was hurting them!" but I didn't see it at the time. That's why I'm a little more careful now a days. I try to think about the other person and do things that won't start a chain reaction that could hurt them. Even if it's the littlest things, they make a big difference!
Merry Christmas!

Middle of the Night

Well, it's 3 in the morning right now and I can't sleep. I really don't understand it because I stayed up all day so that I would be exhausted. . . . and it didn't work. Today is going to suck, because I have to load in! I have no idea why I'm awake, honestly! All I wanted was a good night's rest, and what do I get? A case of insomnia! This shit only happens to me!

Holland, Netherlands. . . it's all Dutch to me!

Well, we made it to the Netherlands today, and boy did it take a while. It was worth it though, because it is beautiful here. I love it! I don't know if I would live here, but to be here for a few months is GREAT! After we arrived at the hotel around noon, we had the rest of the day to do whatever we wanted. Some people slept, others went and drank. I, myself, went talking around to the stores with some friends. Casey, Christina and Stephen to be exact. And we had a great time until it got cold. And boy did it get cold quick. It kind of sucked because Casey and I had to head back home because we didn't bundle up enough because it was warmer that day. Oh well. We still have more time here, just not when things are open. Hmmmmm. . . I wonder where the bars are? I'm sure we'll find that one out pretty soon!

Still emotional after all this time

Well, it's been two days since I've seen that damn movie and it still haunts me. Am I going crazy? Or was it just that powerful? I will never know, but it does have me looking at things in different light. Not to take anything for granted. To love life, to love every moment and not take it for granted.
You know, it's good to be sad every now and then and to let your emotions out. It's been a while since I've had a real good cry and I think that it was way over due. I was feeling emotion-less. Didn't really care. Numb to the world and all it's splender. I guess it's a good wake-up call. I really wisht that I could see it again before I go to Holland, but my time is limited. This is going to be one movie that I'm going to own the minute it comes out. . . seriously!

. . . Another emotional outpouring

I don’t think that I’ve ever had something hold me captive as much as “Brokeback Mountain”. Yeah, sure, I’ve been captivated by different things. . .musicals, people, something shiny. But for some unforeseen reason, this movie touches someplace deep in my soul. Someplace that hasn’t seen the light of day in years. Maybe it’s the jagged truth of finding love and it never coming to fruition, or the deep pangs of not knowing if you picked the right path. It’s so hard tell what strikes a chord deep inside someone and how they will react.
I’ve been so engulfed with this story that I went out today and bought the book. It may be under 100 pages, but it is one of the best stories that I’ve read in quite a while. It has me thinking day and night, and not only about the story. About me and what my future holds. I usually don’t think about myself that often. Sounds funny, but true. I’m usually too worried about other people and where they’re going, how they’re doing, what their future holds, if they’re going to be alright, if they’re going to make it. I haven’t really taken time to see where I’m heading. I’ve been too busy shining the light down the path for other people that I haven’t taken the time to shine the light down my own path and see where it’s heading.
It’s time to take control of my path, and have it go the way that I want. To have what I’ve wanted for years. Not hope that it will somehow just appear to me, and meet me in the middle of the road. Constant improvement, things that will make me happy, someone that will love me faithfully and blindly. Is this too much to ask for? Yes! Is this too much to work for and achieve? NO! I can’t just stand idly by and let life move around me. . . .”Stop the world, I want to get on!”

Emotional Outpouring

So, It’s been a little while since I’ve written and it’s time to update. And now is the perfect time to do that.
I had a very emotional day today. So much so that I was emotionally drained by it. But it was for good reasons. I saw one of the most heart wrenching movies that I have ever laid my eyes on. I had emotions flowing out of me at such a pace that I didn’t even have time to identify them. All from just a movie. A movie that hits very close to home. This movie doesn’t mirror my life, or one of the characters sound like me. But it does bring up a lot of emotions and questions about me as a person. You know that it’s a good movie when it makes you question your reality and what you take as just everyday ordinary occurances.
I can’t believe that a movie could make me this emotional. Sure, I saw Titanic 4 times, and cried harder and harder every time that I saw it. But there was a lot going on in my life at that time, and it seemed so poignant. Go figure!


I try my best to make you happy
But I end up hurting you with fierce blows
You try to comfort me
But I just turn and say no

You were there for so many firsts
And so many good times
I wish you were still here with me
to make me feel just fine

I pretend that I’m ok
and just smile like a clown
Knowing that the only thing I really want
is to just have you around

I sometimes wonder and think
Where I’ll be in a few years
And if I’ll have the blessing
Of having you so near

I want you to know
That I love you too much
And that you’ll always be with me
With an everlasting touch
I